If I Had Stayed
by morgangirl11
Summary: She's not quite ready for the relationship they both want, but she allows them this big step forward. After the day they'd had, how could she not? Takes place after Cops & Robbers (4x07), once they're both in the privacy of their own homes.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I'll leave that to Marlowe & Co., since they've been doing just fine without me.**

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As soon as she heard the resounding click of her front door closing behind her, she leaned back against it, closed her eyes, and sighed, wondering one more time how she could have left. The question had been heavy on her mind through the familiar cab ride home, to her reflective journey up the building's stairs, to the taunting silence of her apartment. Still, it was over now and she had to find a way to shake it off.

She turned to lock the door before dropping her keys and coat on the steps behind her kitchen; her shoes were kicked off in the next moment. Making her way toward her bedroom, she considered taking a bath, but decided that might feel a bit too sensual on a night when her body was already pulsating with something she should ignore.

Against her wishes, the events of the day replayed in her mind. She had never expected her boring paperwork to be left behind for a hostage negotiation, nor had she expected the onslaught of raw emotion to compete so strongly with the single-mindedness that she usually brought to crime scenes. She'd done her best to keep her feelings restrained while she helped bring a safe end to the situation, but there was no denying the love that had poured out of her eyes when she had smiled at him after the terrifying explosion; she had seen it mirrored on his relieved face.

Then there was dinner, peppered with the banter, adoration, and avoidance that seemed to define their relationship. The wine had flowed as freely as the conversation, and she had been left with a pleasant buzz when Martha and Alexis retreated to their respective rooms. She'd stayed a while longer, enjoying the company too much to hurry home, but choked on something she couldn't name when he invited her to spend the night. Of course, he had been clear that she could have the guest room, so it wasn't an invitation for _that_, but it was enough. She had stumbled over a sincere thank you and a weak excuse, before ducking out of the loft.

Now, ready for bed and wearing nothing but a pair of cotton boy shorts, she crawled under the cool sheets and forced herself to relax into the mattress. It wasn't terribly late, but it had been a long day and the wine still warming her blood was a welcome calm. She had barely closed her eyes when a familiar ring tone sounded from her nightstand. A soft smile lit her face as she reached for her phone in the dark.

"Hi, Castle." Often, even knowing he was the one calling, she'd answer with a sharp version of her surname; tonight, she was too far removed from being Beckett. She was only Kate.

His response was barely a breath. "Hi." Hesitantly, he continued. "Look, I know you were just here, but I couldn't go to bed without thanking you one more time."

"Can't get enough of me, huh?"

"Never."

That was honest. She supposed the wine was still affecting him, too. Though, at this point, she couldn't tell if the heat in her own body was from the alcohol or his voice. "Well, that's what partners do. And thank _you_ again for dinner."

"Anytime. Seriously, you're always welcome at the loft…I wish you could have stayed tonight."

"I wish I could have stayed, too." The words escaped before she even acknowledged them, but his poorly-hidden gasp brought warmth to her face.

"So why did you leave?"

Somehow, the safety of her bed and the softness of his question allowed her to respond more openly than she normally would. "It was an emotional day, for both of us. Dinner was amazing and almost enough to make me forget all the reasons I've asked you to wait." She drew a deep breath. "If I had stayed, I think I would have forgotten completely."

"You would have had the guest room, and I never would have gone up there."

She smiled into the phone. "I know, Castle. But you're not the only one who knows how to use the stairs."

"And you really think you would have done that?"

"Yes."

He didn't respond right away, but she could hear him moving around. In his silence, she found her hand trailing down her body; his words had long had an intimate effect on her body, and the direction of their conversation only served to heighten that. Her fingers skated over her flat stomach and she paused momentarily at the seam of her boy shorts before dipping underneath. He spoke up just before she could feel how far gone she already was.

"Do you want me to let you go to sleep, Kate?"

Even if she'd been unsure before, she certainly didn't want him to hang up once her name rolled off his tongue like that. She let her hand move a bit further, the slick proof of her arousal coating the pads of her fingers as she slowly explored. "No, keep talking. Please."

"About anything in particular?"

"What would you do if I came back downstairs?" Her hand froze where it was, mortified by the way her mouth was operating entirely without permission. It was utterly unlike her and she didn't know how to stop it. She wasn't even sure she wanted to.

There was some more shuffling on his end. "Do you really want me to answer that?"

Yes. No. But yes.

"Please."

She heard a long exhaled breath before he began. "You'd knock on my bedroom door and I'd open it, stunned to see you standing there. I'd reach for your hand and pull you inside without a word, and then I'd slide my hand up your arm and over your shoulder before brushing it lightly across your face, finally moving to palm the back of your head so that I could lean down for a kiss. I guess it would be a gentler version of what happened between us about a year ago."

She couldn't help but interrupt, even as her hand picked up its pace. "You were right that night. It was amazing."

"God, Kate. I just want to make everything amazing for you."

She almost told him that he already did, but drew a shaky line in the sand, and went quiet. She let one finger slip inside her, bringing more wetness with it when she returned to teasing her clit. There was little doubt that she could make herself come pretty quickly, all her tension coiled and eager, but having him continue to talk her through it was something she couldn't resist. She kept her speed varied, practiced fingers circling, gliding, pressing, seeking.

After a moment, he continued. "I'm not sure how long I'd be able to keep it slow before opening my mouth to you, inviting you inside, needing your breath as much as I need my own. Last time we kissed, your perfect little moan echoed in my mouth, and I've never forgotten that. I want to make you do that again."

Even biting her lip in an attempt to withhold her reaction, a desperate sound found its way out. She knew it was the first obvious sign as to what she was doing, and she held her breath to see how he'd respond.

If he heard her, he didn't acknowledge it.

"I'd start walking backward, pulling you with me toward the bed. Stopping just alongside it, I'd bring my hands down to your waist, feeling the heat of your skin for just a moment before dragging your shirt up and over your head. I'd work my way through everything you were wearing, but I'd do it slowly. So, so slowly, drinking in each new revelation, memorizing the way the shadows play off your body."

She could feel it. The way the material of her clothes teased the needy surface of her skin. The way his hands would just barely touch her as he moved from piece to piece. The way the look in his eyes lit something she had thought was forever dimmed. Trying to hold onto the phone with one hand, as her busy fingers quickened again, she closed her eyes and lost herself completely in his words. The intensity of her arousal was unprecedented.

"I've honestly never known anyone like you, and just having you there, naked in front of me, would be overwhelming. I'd undress myself, and then lay you down beneath me on the bed. And, as much as we might have thought that our first time would be a furious tangle of limbs, racing each other for a breathless end, I'd make this something different. You deserve so much more."

"So do you."

He let the comment pass, continuing the narrative. "Our bodies would be pressed against each other, aligned perfectly, and you'd know just how much I want you. We'd kiss again, maybe even more passionately than before, and I'd feel your hips arch toward mine. I'd pull away from you, not really meaning to tease, but wanting to learn the rest of your body before falling into the inevitable. I'd whisper something in your ear, something I can't say even now, and then I'd make my way down your neck, nipping, sucking, and kissing the entire way. When I reached your collarbones, I'd trace them, first with my fingertip, then with my tongue, amazed that something so simple could be so beautiful. Then, I'd move even lower, taking each of your nipples into my mouth as I carefully read your reactions, figuring out what kind of pressure you like without you having to say a word."

As he spoke, her hand came up to her breasts and she let her wet fingertips pinch at her already taut nipples, imagining everything he described. When she stopped to slide her hand back under her boy shorts, she saw the glistening of the moisture she'd left behind, and she knew it was how she'd look when he released her from his mouth. It was almost too much to take. This time, her hungry moan was undeniable.

"Fuck, Kate." His breathing was as ragged as hers, and she was relatively certain that his hand was working his body, stroking up and down his length while he wished she were there to envelop him instead. "I need to taste you."

His change to present tense, the switch from fantasy to reality, was something she had to correct. The whole conversation was dangerous, but to address anything more directly was going to scare her into silence. Even as two fingers drove deep inside her, she nudged him back to the careful hypothetical.

"So tell me what would happen next…if I had come downstairs."

"I'd gently spread your legs apart, opening your body to me, giving me plenty of room to bring my head down to you. My first taste would be such a small sample, just the tip of my tongue gliding softly against you. After a few moments, I'd flatten my tongue and drag it over you, using more pressure to bring your wetness into my waiting mouth. And as much as I'd love to say that I'd keep up the leisurely pace, I'm just not sure it would be possible; I'd begin truly feasting on everything you could give me, burying my face between your thighs and taking it all in. Just as before, I'd pay close attention to your reactions, giving you more of anything you'd want."

"Your fingers?"

"God, yes. I'd slide two fingers into you, sighing at the way you'd tighten around them immediately. You'd be so warm, welcoming me inside. I'd move them in and out a few times before stilling momentarily and just feeling the way your body responds when I lean back in to suck on your clit. Then I'd find a slow pace, curling them inside you as I worked to make you come against my mouth."

It took all her self-control to avoid giving in and allowing herself to come right there, nearly weeping with want as she curled her own fingers in the same way he had described. Her swollen clit was begging for more attention; she had abandoned it for a while in an attempt to preserve her sanity as his words brought her to new heights. Her unintelligible responses to his story were increasingly obvious, her breath coming in uneven gasps, and there was no doubt that he knew exactly what she was up to. She just needed him to finish.

"I'd stay still as you calmed back down, small tremors still lingering behind. Once you were ready, I'd crawl back up your body, holding myself just above you. Then I'd feel your long fingers wrap around me, rubbing my tip through the slickness left behind, before you'd guide me into you, encouraging me with a flushed face and blown pupils. I'd push into you with one firm stroke, forcing myself to keep my eyes locked with yours, not wanting to miss a moment of being joined so intimately."

She adjusted her fingers again, knowing it wouldn't be much longer, giving her body the touch it needed to finally let go.

"We'd find a rhythm pretty quickly; we're already in sync every day. I'd rock my hips into you and you'd meet me thrust for thrust, eventually wrapping your legs around me to make the angle even better for you. Both of us would be getting louder, unable to hold back any longer, the sound of our connection only driving us more. I'd feel you clawing at my shoulders, and hear you confess that you're close, so I'd let myself get faster, sloppier, bringing us both to that precipice. And when you'd clench around me, mouth open wide and eyes slammed shut, I'd be unable to do anything but spill inside you, offering your body anything it could demand from me."

That was it. She was right there, fingers working furiously, needing to come as hard as his version of her just had. Her body was pulled so tight, rigid and arching, as if she could get any closer to her own hand. Only one coherent word managed to stumble from her mouth.

"Please."

"I'm right here, Kate. I'm with you and I'm not going anywhere."

She knew he was talking about so much more, but somehow the emotional admission was enough to push her over that physical edge. Her orgasm was as intense as she expected it to be; she was gulping for air even as a series of moans announced her release. She'd be embarrassed by it later, but was too lost in the sensations coursing through her body to acknowledge the huge line that had been crossed. Still coming down from her own high, she barely registered his muffled groan of her name, but the hint of it was enough to send her into another small wave of pleasure.

They were both silent for quite a while, though she could hear shuffling on his end while she moved to wash her hands and change into different underwear. She avoided thinking too much about what had just happened, allowing herself to enjoy being sated and happy. Somehow she knew he wouldn't bring it up once their call ended, giving her whatever space she thought she still needed. As she crawled into bed again, his voice welcomed her back.

"You okay?"

"More than. You?"

"Never better." He paused, but there wasn't much left to say. "So, I'll see you tomorrow, Detective?"

She smiled. "Yes. Good night, Castle."

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Thank you all for reading. And thanks to Beth for the constant encouragement. This one's for you!


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